Alysia Wood Shit Show (by Jake Dill)

Shit Show (by Jake Dill)

Posted in News on Tuesday, October 17th, 2006 at 11:17 am No Comments

I finally had a chance to read some of my email and do a little catching up (I still have to approve friends, write back to people, etc.) and here’s what I have to update you on:

Jake Dill, a comic friend of mine out of Seattle wrote a blog (SOMEBODY CAN’T HANG). 

shit show

weird night last night.

my comedian friend, alysia, asked me if i wanted to go with her to this show in hunnington beach so i could meet this booker and what-not. i said, “sure.” and we made plans to meet off of I-5.

now, i’m new to LA and i don’t really know where the hell i’m going and as a guy i can get really pissed really fast if/when i get lost and have somewhere to be.

while in route to an exit off I-5 alysia called me up and said, “hey, can we meet off of the 101 instead? just follow the 2 (which is right by my house) and you’ll run right into it.” sounded good to me. so i tried it out.

low and behold alysia didn’t know what the fuck she was talking about because right after you pass I-5 from the 2, it ends. before i could call her to tell her this, she called me and called another autible. so i turned around, hung up the phone and said something close to, “fuckin’ dumb bitch! you’d better be right this time or else i’ll fucking… fuck this! i’ll fucking go home.” and got into one of those fake arguments as if the person was in the car with you.

so i got back onto I-5, got off at the soto street exit and to my surprise we timed it out perfectly. as soon as i parked she was getting off the freeway and pulled up behind me and i hopped in to her early 90’s volvo.

and this is where it starts to get weird.

we flip a bitch to get back onto I-5 south, but guess what? there is no fucking I-5 south. there’s on ramps for the 10 the 110 and I-5 north but no south. no one likes to go south from soto street. we asked. there were people holding signs that read, “down with south. north bound #1”

we drove around and eventually got lost for at least 30 minutes in what i can only say was not the best part of town. we looked and looked and found 2 bank of americas, 3 mcdonalds and about 74 curb side taco stands but no I-5 south. we had to ask directions from this girl at a gas station who spoke broken english and told us, “go down this way. take a right on santa fe. and you can’t miss it.”

yeah. i was kinda upset the third line didn’t rhyme too.

we (meaning alysia) finally said fuck it and got onto, i think, the 10 because it runs into another freeway we could take to get to the show.

needless to say we were running a tad bit late, and by ‘tad bit late’ i mean, we were probably going to miss the show. alsyia called the booker and explained that we were a loooong way from getting there and i guess he told her that we wouldn’t make it in time and to not worry about coming down to the show.

right after she hung up the phone she gets a phone call from a comedian who’s doing a show at the queen mary (from last comic standing fame) and they have a packed house but only two comedians. he tells her to haul ass. be safe, but haul ass.

now some of you know this (j money) but i HATE driving with people when they weave in and out of traffic like it was fucking nascar because well…. i dunno. i guess i value my life. i’m weird like that.

so we’re passing people left and right and i’m checking to make sure my seat belt his securely fastened. i make that muttering sound that you make when you’re scared that you’re about to die a couple times while pointing to tail lights and bumpers that seem to barley miss us. so, yeah. i get a little on edge but i’m excited at the possibility of getting some stage time. (classic comedian mentality. “we got some stage time. you’ll have to cross a river full of crocodiles to get to the club though.” sweet! just give me directions!)

we get to the queen mary, find our contact, and he takes us up to where the show room is. he says, “are you ready to go up?” i say, “uuh. i need to use the bathroom first.” and he points me in the direction of the men’s room. i’m in the stall for no more than 45 seconds when he comes in and asks, “ready?” i said, “uhhh… no.” (which i thought was obvious) “how long do you need?” he asks. in my mind i think, “long enough to wipe my ass dickhead.” but i reply, “uhhh… two minutes.”

i get done in about 30 seconds, walk out of the bathroom and he says he’s giving your intro right now. and no bullshit. i hear the mc say, “alright. your first comedian…”

funny side note. there was another guy in the bathroom that got done right before me and when he walked out of the bathroom the manager (who i hadn’t met yet) told him, “you’re about to go on stage.” i guess he just looked at her weird and said something like, “uhh… i just wanted to take a piss.”

so on my way to the stage i ask my contact, “how much time am i doing?” he says, “ask the mc when he’s getting off stage.”

“please give a warm welcome to a very funny (never seen me) comedian, jake dill.”  (applause. applause. applause) while the audience is still clapping i shake hands with the mc and ask him, “how much time?” he says, “just go until you see the light.”

fucking great. no time to recover from almost losing my life. no time to make a set list. no time to take a shit and now there’s no telling how long i’m going to be up at this fucking debacle.

i get on stage and they have on really, Really, REALLY fucking bright light coming up from the floor. for those of you that have been on stage you know that there are sometimes that spotlight is so bright you can’t see the crowd. this one was so bright not only could i not see the crowd it was leaving tracers in my vision. i went over to the side of the stage to get a look at the audience and play around and almost fell off the damn thing.

my first words out of my mouth are, “jeez. this light is bright. i feel like i’m about to get arrested by the fucking cops.” no big deal, right? well what i didn’t know is that this was a corporate gig and it needed to be squeaky clean. “no f-bombs!” yelled the mc from the top row. sweet. 15 seconds in and i already screwed up.

i chit-chat a little with the crowd get in to some material, make fun of the light some more, more material, make fun of some drunk lady who says something about insurance that ends up killing (i find out later all the people there work for the same insurance place) a little more material and then i see the light. i thought, “thank god.” all in all it turned out to be about 8 to 10 minutes and i think went pretty well and damn well given the circumstances. the mc agreed by saying, “great set.” which everyone says in LA but i think he really meant it because he asked for my info and gave me some money.

so now i’m just looking around trying to decide how i should spend my 20 bucks.

Of course my favorite quote is Roy’s comment: “Oh, dear lord, Jake… you’ve already fallen in with the wrong crowd. That Alysia is going to get you killed. Stay away from that one. Find a more wholesome mentor will ya? Like maybe Drake Witham, or Jake Johannsen. You’re worrying me, man.”

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