(Blog originally published on myspace)

The more this went on, the more it made me laugh.

—————– Original Message —————–
From:  [name withheld]

Date: 1/17/2007
you look like you might actually be funny.
is that possible?

—————– Original Message —————–

From:   ALYSIA WOOD

Date: 1/17/2007
I would like to quote the one I turn to when I have pressing questions such yours.
“Outlook not so good”

– magic eight ball
—————– Original Message —————–
From: [name withheld]

Date: 1/17/2007
A reliable source indeed. excellent format. fantastic visual. felt the impact deeply.

sadly, the ball is never wrong.
i guess you suck.
sure, i’ll be your friend.

—————– Original Message —————–

From:  ALYSIA WOOD

Date: 1/17/2007
I love that I was being screened.

Listen, buddy, if I have to jump through any more hoops, let’s go ahead and get those out of the way ’cause I got a lotta shit to do this year (flushing your life down the toilet is VERY time consuming).

Otherwise, any further stage(s) I have to graduate to will have to wait until 2008. This includes (but is not limited to) best friend, real friend, drinking buddy, confidante and stalkee (stalkie? stalked? stalketted? (texan:)stalked’un?) until further notice.

Thanks for your patience and understanding.

-Queen Shit

(Void where prohibited or deemed unfunny.)
Wow this turned out pretty good (unlike the jokes I was supposed to be writing).

—————– Original Message —————–
From:   [name withheld]

Date: 1/17/2007
yeah. you were screened. still being screened. i’ve never stalked anyone before. me-thinks this is a good time to start. me-thinks i’ll keep using the word me-thinks.

Glad to see you’re flushing your life down the toilet 2007 campiagn is off to a rockin start. maybe you can get on the democratic ticket.

Queen Shit. Not void. Cuz what you wrote was well, i mean….funny isn’t the word but….

—————– Original Message —————–

From:   ALYSIA WOOD

Date: 1/17/2007

Your application for stalking has been accepted.

To make your stalking experience both rapid and enjoyable, we posted ALYSIA WOOD’s schedule for your convenience on this profile. You will also find flyers which hopefully appease the “Stage Time Gods” but definitely waste ALYSIA WOOD’s time.

Please note: All attacks must be pre-approved in writing (sorry, but some guy in Seattle rushed the stage at the home for the holidays show and ruined it for everybody).

—————– Original Message —————–
From:    [name withheld]

Date: 1/17/2007

I’m gonna stalk you so bad you’re not gonna know what to do you’re gonna love my stalking and you’re gonna ask for me baby when i stalk you and stalk you again and again.

how was that?
the run on sentence thing was for affect?
shit…
can i do it again?

—————– Original Message —————–
From:    ALYSIA WOOD
Date: Jan 22, 2007 8:20 PM

Take two.
*clap!*
—————– Original Message —————–
From:   [name withheld]
Date: Jan 24, 2007 10:31 PM

Turn around.
I’m sitting behind you.
I love you.