Favorite Tweets
Speaking of Twitter, if you aren’t into Twitter, I get it. However, if you like the updates on the Facebook WoodStalkers group, you can check out my Favorite Tweets without having an account. There’s some overlap, but there’s a lot more BS on Twitter. Click here, where I try to whittle it down to the best of my monotonous movements. Also my family hasn’t joined, so I leave greater (but more brief) details there.
By the way – right now – here’s a “few” of my favorites. I know this defeats the purpose of driving traffic to it… but I have an impulse control disorder.
Favorites
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nothing says welcome home like the US customs officer telling the canadian ticketing agent suck it, I can go smoke (I’m paraphrasing). Sunday, September 12, 2010 7:38:43 AM via mobile web
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Last show of the Alysia Wood weekend tonight. Already sold out – Just a heads up if you were planning on coming out. Sorry. Saturday, September 11, 2010 4:06:08 PM via web
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nothing says welcome home like the US customs officer telling the canadian ticketing agent suck it, I can go smoke (I’m paraphrasing). Sunday, September 12, 2010 7:38:43 AM via mobile web
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nothing says welcome home like the US customs officer telling the canadian ticketing agent suck it, I can go smoke (I’m paraphrasing). Sunday, September 12, 2010 7:38:43 AM via mobile web
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Oddly, even with the exchange rate, $0 American is also $0 Canadian. Thursday, September 09, 2010 6:06:24 AM via mobile web
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Also loved some dude asking, “So what REALLY killed Bill?” Bill’s brother: “Pancreatic cancer.” Thursday, September 09, 2010 12:04:07 AM via web
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Loved the Bill Hicks documentary. Beautiful tribute to one of the kings of the dark comedy arts. Thursday, September 09, 2010 12:03:36 AM via web
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@corneezy you can suck @alysiawood ‘s dick. Wednesday, September 08, 2010 5:31:06 PM via TweetDeck
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Someone tell @corneezy that he can suck my dick. // RT @corneezy @alysiawood stop bragging. Wednesday, September 08, 2010 5:28:12 PM via web
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Spread the word. 2 night. Season 3. SOA. 10. FX. And as I promised last year-I’m not above sexual favors for anyone sporting a nielsen box. Tuesday, September 07, 2010 8:02:51 AM via Twitterrific
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I just accepted a headlining date where I was specifically asked to “wear makeup”… so I’ve added “give a shit” to my daily to-do list. Tuesday, September 07, 2010 4:41:59 AM via web
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1st non-US gig this week. I called Canadian comics asking if I needed malaria shots. Only 1 asked if I was serious (is this thing on?) Tuesday, September 07, 2010 2:24:22 AM via web
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I had no idea that “Twigga” was a term actually in use. I’m officially turning in my “hip” card. Tuesday, August 31, 2010 11:42:43 PM via web
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can you fit a body in the trunk of a prius? seriously, can you? Sunday, August 29, 2010 12:09:09 PM via web
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Watching @grantcotter on stage repeatedly try to get a High 5 from a guy that’s clearly blind. Saturday, August 28, 2010 11:43:35 PM via mobile web
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my brother’s new hiding place for things he doesn’t want me to have is his crotch. Its very effective. #incestisyucky Wednesday, August 25, 2010 6:42:40 AM via mobile web
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AUDIENCE DUDE: where you from? ME: here & Louisiana. DUDE: is this your boyfriend? MY BROTHER: Wrong part of Louisiana, man. Saturday, August 21, 2010 10:42:13 PM via mobile web
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So this is what a Sunday feels like without my ass in a car or plane seat. Interesting Sunday, August 15, 2010 11:59:47 AM via web
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Starbucks: I’m sorry, we’re closing but if you need internet, the Eastgate drive-thru has it. ME: Wow! Drive thru internet? Thursday, August 12, 2010 7:39:23 PM via mobile web
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Yay for free haircuts. Now when I wake up, my hair no longer looks like I was the focal point of a gang bang. Saturday, August 07, 2010 2:21:51 PM via mobile web
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Hello, boss that fired me 4 being “too successful @ comedy”, its going great. So great that I would like to purchase a free water. Thursday, July 29, 2010 7:05:10 PM via mobile web
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running might be overkill @holliestevens Trying to keep my mind off sex by Fighting, Running and working nonstop. So far, so good. Friday, July 23, 2010 12:52:19 AM via web
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my wife will be at Comic-Con this weekend. I told her to try not to bang any storm troopers. She said “no promises.” Wednesday, July 21, 2010 6:22:06 PM
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2 flt attendants next to me wonder why we’re delayed. Then intercom, “sorry folks, we’re waiting for 2 flt attendants.” Tuesday, July 13, 2010 10:47:24 AM via mobile web
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@DougStanhope has a few things to say about comedy classes: http://www.dougstanhope.com/journal/2010/7/12/comedy-death-camp.html Monday, July 12, 2010 11:18:21 AM via web in to DougStanhope and 3 others
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After 3 years of being single, I’m ready to start dating. I can’t find my video camera cord and need someone to blame. Sunday, July 11, 2010 6:41:47 PM via web
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forgot to tweet that I was in Fort Myers this weekend. That’s a little example of the self promotion that keeps me a no name road comic. Saturday, July 10, 2010 9:38:42 PM via web
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just heard a guy say “there were literally bajillions”… I wonder which one of those words he doesn’t understand. Tuesday, June 15, 2010 1:09:35 PM via web
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@rysing the voicemail i just left u about the loss of your jesus was not worth the heathen glares from my fellow airport travelers. Tuesday, June 15, 2010 4:30:00 AM via mobile web
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cleveland airport cop: “You not suposed to smoke here but it doesnt bother me. The officer it bother ain’t here right now.” Tuesday, June 15, 2010 4:21:15 AM via mobile web
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Mad props to the 7 foot tall Pre-Op Cashier in Odessa, TX. Thursday, June 10, 2010 3:28:29 PM via web
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Gma hallucinating – no narcotics. Dad discovered her O2 was unplugged. Tmrw, hope she’s back to normal but we can have kids out of wedlock. Wednesday, June 09, 2010 9:57:35 PM via web
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Grandma morphine also says to be an Aunt you just have to be kind. Bonus: you do not need a man to raise kids. Wednesday, June 09, 2010 7:05:14 PM via web
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Grandma morphine told me I can still find a man and have kids because I am tall and thin and it’s not too late. Wednesday, June 09, 2010 6:57:02 PM via web
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me: “still no word from dad”. my uncle: “you have a dad?” Monday, June 07, 2010 12:47:11 AM via mobile web
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While taping a TV show, my property was raided. Police/DEA were “laughing like hyenas” in my room. This is why? http://bit.ly/9vcjc1 Wednesday, June 02, 2010 5:17:14 PM via web
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I’ve got a night off so I think my roomate and I are gonna take some stool softerners. Stay tuned Monday, May 24, 2010 3:21:44 PM via web
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Facebook just suggested that I like Myspace. Monday, May 24, 2010 6:40:40 AM via UberTwitter
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I’m freezing and sweating… that’s cancer, right? Saturday, May 22, 2010 9:56:30 PM via mobile web
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It’s sad when you throw up and your roommate says, not what’s wrong but, “What did you do?” Friday, May 21, 2010 11:49:57 PM via web
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Don’t ever give up unless it is hopeless. Wednesday, May 19, 2010 3:51:52 PM via web and 55 others
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This week’s episode with @AlysiaWood has been selected as a ‘Today’s Pick’ on @BlogTalkRadio!! http://bit.ly/ctnjXD Thursday, May 13, 2010 10:43:03 AM via web
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It’s fucking snowing in WI and it’s May. You tell me Friday, May 07, 2010 9:57:23 PM via web
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Last night, I finally had the opportunity to say, “Congratulations on your new vagina.” Friday, May 07, 2010 5:57:10 PM via web
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We do more before 9am than most people do all day… because we’ve been up since YESTERDAY. Tuesday, May 04, 2010 5:32:16 AM via web
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Anybody see KTLA’s “Target Stabbing” coverage? I love the dude talking to reporters WHILE ALSO talking on his cell… SO LA! HA! Monday, May 03, 2010 6:35:44 PM via web
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DOPE!!! RT @alysiawood New Article: http://www.pnwlocalnews.com/east_king/bel/news/88872502.html Hope mom doesn’t mind. Tuesday, March 23, 2010 9:36:50 AM via Twitterrific in to alysiawood
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@alysiawood is on stage right now! I just hosted her show at Asbury Hall! http://yfrog.com/c87jjj Sunday, March 21, 2010 6:21:35 PM via Twitterrific
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apartment below mine flooded. bldg manager didn’t care for it at all when i yelled “thats cause i make it rain!” & continued to get my mail. Thursday, March 18, 2010 5:48:00 PM via web
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i love days when you wake up and no one stole your car. so cool Saturday, November 21, 2009 10:53:41 AM via web
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Only interview in which both Qs and A’s are provided by one guy. RT @alysiawood: Today 7 – 8 PST, 10-11 EST being interviewed by a psychic. Wednesday, November 18, 2009 1:47:29 PM via UberTwitter
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Enough with the 12 step programs on giving everything up. Inner beauty won’t get you laid. So pull out the make up and tight clothes, Friday, October 30, 2009 11:57:30 PM via web
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I hope “Snapped” pays me for the episode I’m going to be in. Friday, October 30, 2009 11:54:54 PM via Seesmic
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Wikipedia is actually more exhaustively reviewed and corrected than Encyclopedia Brittanica. It’s true. I read that. On Wikipedia. Friday, October 30, 2009 8:49:34 PM via TweetDeck
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is going to eat Little Caesar’s pizza for the first time in 20 years because I have as much money right now now as I did when I was 7. Friday, October 30, 2009 7:28:30 PM via Seesmic
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Pretty sure I just passed a girl who is going as an anal sex mummy for halloween. Friday, October 30, 2009 7:27:14 PM via web
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Worst tweet ever. RT @lenimex: I Saturday, October 24, 2009 8:31:06 PM via UberTwitter
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my mom: so, what is twitter like? me: well, you know how you said you didn’t “get” Facebook? my mom: yeah. me: it’s like that. Friday, October 23, 2009 6:50:03 PM via web
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About to go standup paddleboarding w/wife because she wanted something difficult and dangerous to do on the sea that will get us in a fight. Friday, October 23, 2009 6:30:54 PM via UberTwitter
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RT @alysiawood Who else has couches in Dayton? -how does it feel to sleep on someone else’s couch? 98% funny / 2% wouldn’t blame you – ha! Thursday, October 22, 2009 10:18:42 PM via web
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Who else has couches in Dayton? RT @rysing … she said, “how does it feel to c*m on someone else’s kid?” 98% creepy / 2% hot… Thursday, October 22, 2009 10:13:30 PM via web
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friend had sex with a pregnant girl and whilst doing it she said, “how does it feel to c*m on someone else’s kid?” 98% creepy / 2% hot Thursday, October 22, 2009 9:26:02 PM via web
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@RySing Condo irons are set for silk because the last time they were used was 1989. Wednesday, October 21, 2009 5:27:23 PM via mobile web
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Just added “fingerbang” to spellcheck library. Weekend complete. Sunday, October 18, 2009 10:38:08 PM via TweetDeck
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I think the Courtyard by Marriott air conditioner was supposed to smell like tropical flowers… that have been urinated on. #bwe09 Sunday, October 18, 2009 9:35:20 PM via web
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listening to the Bill Cosby “Sports” album…in actual album form the way the comedy gods intended comedy to be listened Sunday, October 18, 2009 8:08:15 PM via web
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@alysiawood it’s never “appropriate,” alysia… that said, it’s always fun! sean kent! Saturday, October 17, 2009 9:42:02 PM via web in to alysiawood
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I just saw “Where The Wild Things Are.” It should have been called “Asperger’s Syndrome Monster Island.” Saturday, October 17, 2009 2:32:31 AM via web
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Ok got a spiderweb caught in my beard. Gang sign practice cancelled Friday, October 16, 2009 8:22:24 PM via Echofon
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@alysiawood Different name for each personality? Friday, October 16, 2009 4:32:28 PM via txt
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RT What blows my mind is that of my 4 comedy time appearances… they’ve spelled my name differently ALL 4 times. (@alysiawood) Aleecia? Friday, October 16, 2009 3:41:50 PM via Twitter for iPhone
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I hate Texas so fucking much. Friday, October 16, 2009 1:26:17 AM via Twitterrific
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@alysiawood Thanks to Butthole Surfers, I’m regular again! Thursday, October 15, 2009 9:57:47 PM via Echofon in to alysiawood
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It seems the light at the end of the tunnel was a train headin’ to ballstown. Thursday, October 15, 2009 12:40:27 AM via web
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I am at the PDX Butthole Surfers concert with all the other AARP members. Wednesday, October 14, 2009 9:26:17 PM via Echofon
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the all caps was mock excitement so you can stop congratulating me. unless it was a condescending congratulations. in which case carry on. Wednesday, October 14, 2009 8:53:00 PM via web
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In regards to an upcoming audition of mine, someone said “Just be yourself” which is possibly the worst advice you could give an actor. Wednesday, October 14, 2009 12:22:58 PM via web
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Dear Yoga: F*#k you, that hurt. Love, Sarah Monday, October 12, 2009 5:02:47 PM via web
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My iPod died in the middle of Eye of the Tiger…how am I supposed to continue running through the streets with no Rocky music?! #iPodFAIL Monday, October 12, 2009 4:41:59 PM via web
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Thx to all who tweeted w/me while I was trapped in my bathroom last nite for that harrowing hour and a 1/2. I’m now working on a book deal. Monday, October 12, 2009 12:01:39 PM via web
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I need to stop talking to strangers while drinking, even if it is to offer my opinion about ‘Couples Retreat.’ Friday, October 09, 2009 7:19:26 PM via Echofon
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Woman behind me in the checkout line is reading all the gossip mag covers to her friend over the phone. Rule on punching woman about to end. Monday, October 05, 2009 11:15:30 PM via web
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@alysiawood every comic needs a zany sister like yours. Thursday, October 01, 2009 3:54:45 PM via TweetDeck in to alysiawood
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i came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. and i have plenty of gum. sooo, if you need me, i’ll be over there. quietly chewing. Sunday, September 27, 2009 3:33:58 AM via web
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hilarious new joke structure i’ve discovered: “how do you get 2 [random ethnic group] to do your bidding? [something racist].” Tuesday, September 22, 2009 1:22:29 PM via web
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Dear Stress, I think we need some time apart…. Tuesday, September 22, 2009 1:11:12 PM via web
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what am I doing. Tuesday, September 22, 2009 1:06:16 PM via web
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Conan’s got Jennifer Aniston. Letterman’s got Anne Heche. I’ve got something better to do. Tuesday, September 15, 2009 11:37:05 PM via Twitter for iPhone
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I am not the Joe Wilson who heckled the president. Wednesday, September 09, 2009 6:32:34 PM via Twitter for iPhone
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i wish there were more hours in the day to waste. Wednesday, September 09, 2009 3:57:34 PM via web
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When someone makes me play Boggle, I hate the player AND the game. Friday, September 04, 2009 7:08:02 PM via Twitter for iPhone
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Traffic alert on 5 freeway just said “101 – 6mins, Geoff’s house – NEVER” Tuesday, September 01, 2009 2:38:31 PM via txt
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gmail? more like GFAIL! #seewhatididthere Tuesday, September 01, 2009 2:26:16 PM via web
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Hos up, Gmail’s down. Tuesday, September 01, 2009 1:28:58 PM via web
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Anybody else having trouble with- never mind. Thanks Nick Rutherford. Tuesday, September 01, 2009 1:26:16 PM via fb2twitter
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Gmail, this is not funny anymore. Tuesday, September 01, 2009 1:15:42 PM via web
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There should also be a No Surprise Party clause included in wedding vows. Tuesday, September 01, 2009 1:07:55 PM via web
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http://twitpic.com/g4bev – Don’t do me like this Gmail. Tuesday, September 01, 2009 1:06:30 PM via TwitPic
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i mean, you don’t know where my phone is. and i don’t know where my phone is. so we have that in common at least. Tuesday, September 01, 2009 11:47:54 AM via web
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I wonder if it’s possible to hire someone to get my shit together for me? Monday, August 31, 2009 12:01:55 PM via web
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Just heard a song that goes “shush girl do the Hellen Keller talk with your hips.” Women can still vote, right? Monday, August 31, 2009 11:44:31 AM via UberTwitter
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I’m doing 3 hours of precleaning before the maids get here. And when they do, I’ll still be embarrassed. Yes, it’s that messy. Monday, August 31, 2009 11:40:51 AM via web
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on this week’s mad men they get high and try to write but end up only sitting around and eating. finally, an episode i can relate to. Monday, August 31, 2009 2:54:37 AM via web
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is growing out his toenails to use as weapons. Sunday, August 30, 2009 7:56:05 PM via mobile web
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If violence doesn’t solve anything, why are bouncers always so big? Maybe what you mean is violence doesn’t solve anything if you don’t WIN. Sunday, August 30, 2009 7:39:55 PM via web
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have my front door open, mopping my floor, someone saw me and said, “how much do your people charge?” i responded “i work for handjobs” Sunday, August 30, 2009 5:56:49 PM via web
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AIDS wasn’t funny. #rememberwhen Saturday, August 29, 2009 4:00:15 PM via web
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My medicaid finally came through! Man, I have never been so excited to get sick. Saturday, August 29, 2009 3:52:27 PM via web
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@alysiawood I’m finally happy. I want u to be enlightened Saturday, August 29, 2009 1:44:03 PM via Echofon in to alysiawood
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If neccesity we’re really the mother of invention, I’d be in a time machine on my way to a place where attractive woman had personalities Saturday, August 29, 2009 9:56:35 AM via UberTwitter
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Says @cokelogic “No one believes I can get KevinSmith ‘s attention by addressing him on twitter.” I’m too smart for that trick, sir/ma’am. Saturday, August 29, 2009 3:12:02 AM via web
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@alysiawood everythings great especially after I accepted Ed hardy into my life Saturday, August 29, 2009 12:42:13 AM via Echofon in to alysiawood
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is kind of mad that they changed the set of Jeopardy, and kind of upset that it’s all I can find to Tweet about on a Friday night. Friday, August 28, 2009 10:45:24 PM via UberTwitter
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Quesadillas. Always a good choice. Especially if you like quesadillas. Friday, August 28, 2009 9:51:55 PM via TinyTwitter
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how many points are asians on bike? Friday, August 28, 2009 9:25:04 PM via mobile web
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asians on bikes are rioting in hollywood Friday, August 28, 2009 9:23:41 PM via mobile web
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i don’t have the whole world in my hands, but i totally have canada and some cities in italy Friday, August 28, 2009 8:53:44 PM via web
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“Cornell Reid Girczyc-Blum suggested you become a fan of Ed Hardy” Friday, August 28, 2009 4:30:16 PM via web
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This Halloween I’m going to dress as the 5th amendment. When people ask me what I am, I’m not gonna say shit. Friday, August 28, 2009 4:15:07 PM via web
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Dog pissed on passport? CHECK! Friday, August 28, 2009 1:16:41 PM via UberTwitter
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just saw an Ed Hardy Smartcar. i’m going back to bed. Friday, August 28, 2009 1:08:58 PM via mobile web
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bank of america on wilshire & robertson is either having a fire drill, or i’m about to be in a bank robbery Wednesday, August 19, 2009 1:00:18 PM via txt
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I just saw a guy stab the wall a bunch of times then go “done” Saturday, August 15, 2009 11:57:38 PM via txt
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About to see District 9. Didn’t see 1 thru 8, hope it still makes sense. Saturday, August 15, 2009 7:02:41 PM via Twitter for iPhone
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I watched E! for two hours last night and I felt like my brain was being ass raped by clowns. Saturday, August 15, 2009 11:18:13 AM via web
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If G-d didn’t want you to drink, He wouldn’t have invented Gatorade. Or band aids. Saturday, August 15, 2009 10:41:38 AM via web
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@jacobsirof it’s okay, jacob. they gave me some of their weed, and my outrage died down considerably. Friday, August 14, 2009 6:46:40 PM via web in to jacobsirof
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@karlhess Call the police. Jesus, Hess, you call yourself a white person? Friday, August 14, 2009 6:06:56 PM via web in to karlhess
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What’s the right combinations of sativas and indicas needed to get me to clean my apartment? So far nothing’s worked, including being sober. Friday, August 14, 2009 10:28:03 AM via web
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shit is on fire, there are riots in chino, the state is completely bankrupt, there is a man in my dumpster and it is a beautiful day. Thursday, August 13, 2009 6:09:26 PM via web
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All i want is a wife and kids and a happy house. And a slave. Maybe 2 slaves. Tuesday, August 11, 2009 1:26:03 AM via txt
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Dear August 10th, 2009…Suck it. Tuesday, August 11, 2009 12:09:36 AM via web
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Taking headshots. I am, in acting terms, an untalented sell out who’s doing it for the money. Saturday, August 08, 2009 11:50:19 AM via web
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I am listening to an unattractive male comic tell me about his open relationship. He is my ride. Please help me Jebus. Friday, August 07, 2009 10:00:30 PM via Twitter for iPhone
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i just found out one of my favorite porn stars has retired. My fly will fly at half mass! Friday, August 07, 2009 12:52:54 PM via web
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Bad news. Just found my old Monopoly board game and sadly all of my properties have been foreclosed. Friday, August 07, 2009 8:44:54 AM via Twitter for iPhone
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hanging with my mom @ jets mini camp. my mom has no clue what’s going on Thursday, August 06, 2009 3:49:11 PM via mobile web
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I’m not actually nude in Showtime’s “Live Nude Comedy” tonight. But if you’d like to see me nude please email me personally. (Chicks only). Thursday, August 06, 2009 3:47:55 PM via UberTwitter
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Lady at the hotel asked me to put my John Henry on the receipt… I said, “Oh, is his cursive even grander than Mr. Hancock’s. Blank stare. Thursday, August 06, 2009 12:15:16 PM via TweetDeck
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My phone interview. Me: “I hate talking about myself.” Him: “isn’t that what you do for living?” Me: “I hate talking to YOU about myself” Thursday, August 06, 2009 9:14:45 AM via web
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Last night I hit a man in the face. That man was me. Thursday, August 06, 2009 4:42:56 AM via Twitter for iPhone
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If you follow Facebook on Twitter it trips open a portal to another dimension. Not to worry, they have narcissism there, too. Wednesday, August 05, 2009 11:17:59 PM via web
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Time flies when you’re setting your watch. Wednesday, August 05, 2009 10:59:24 PM via web
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Wanna-bes: Open Mic is Cancelled. Please dont come. Turn your car around. Or get a transfer on your bus pass. Tuesday, August 04, 2009 2:25:26 PM via Ping.fm
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My waitress just shouted “I can do whatever the fuck I want.” Apparently she does not want to bring me the fuck my coffee. Tuesday, August 04, 2009 11:04:03 AM via UberTwitter
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Going through my itunes most played to pick intro music for Edinburgh. I think I’ll go George Carlin, Mitch Hedberg and Bros Tuesday, August 04, 2009 5:44:24 AM via Twitter for iPhone
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Making my mix for Edinburgh walk in music. Still debating Jurassic Park theme. Tuesday, August 04, 2009 4:13:20 AM via web
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is it wrong to study the eyeshadow technique of the stripper on intervention? Tuesday, August 04, 2009 12:50:37 AM via mobile web
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I abrrevin’ everyt toda. Sunday, August 02, 2009 11:21:33 AM via Twitter for iPhone
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Can’t get it through my dads head that I’m not in Funny People. My dad: “well have you seen it? you might be in it. don’t be so negative.” Sunday, August 02, 2009 9:58:39 AM via web
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Confession: got a residual check, $3.05, for the Angry Ducks D2. I was the ‘Angry Valet’. I was too angry. Scared the Ducks. Scene was cut. 8:36 AM Aug 2nd, 2009 via web
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My mom just called and told me that my crazy cousin is trying to kill my aunt. I’ll keep you posted. #psychosaturday 9:41 AM Aug 1st, 2009 via web
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A learning disabled cop is teamed up with a disco cop who has a 70’s/early 80’s hairdo. The show is called TARD and FEATHERED. 12:59 AM Aug 1st, 2009 via web
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Funny People was really good. And it was barely even about standup comedy at all which made it even better. 🙂 5:24 PM Jul 31st, 2009 via TweetDeck
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i just wrote “420” in the wet cement outside my building. your move, establishment. 4:23 PM Jul 31st, 2009 via web
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went through a “drunk slut” phase last night from 10PM-2AM. No one seemed to notice. 5:32 PM Jul 29th, 2009 via web
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I think I need a new publicist. RT @MikeScottL: @comedypace thats crazy Joel….i didnt know that pat godwin was still alive 7:36 AM Jul 29th, 2009 via TweetDeck
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